Cali Baby: A series of observations from a recovering New Yorker
A Rite of Passage…
If a Bay Area Local really wants to show you a good time, they’ll invite you to partake in a ritual called “Getting Philz.” The way you react to this experience is extremely important to them, so keep reading to learn what to expect.
You will walk to the Marina and wait in a very long line in front of a brown coffee truck. For some reason, there will always be firemen. When you get the opportunity to order, you will realize that you must choose between several different flavors. “I’ll just have a plain drip coffee” you’ll say. “No no,” they’ll shake their head, smiling slightly at your stupidity. “You have to pick a blend.’
These blends have names like “Tantalizing Turkish,” which is described as bold and bittersweet with cardamom, “Silken Splendor,” silky with notes of coffee and citrus, and the aggressively-named “Ambrosia Coffee of God,” which is sweet with fresh berry and honey notes. They name their blends with the same fervor of a men’s deodorant company. This is not coffee, this is an experience. And you cannot order one without feeling like you are requesting something bizarrely sensual from the man in the truck.
You will request “Dancing Water,” smiling slightly, unable to keep a hint of irony out of your voice, which will not be reciprocated in any way by anyone. You will offer to pay for the two coffees, and be lightly shocked when your total comes out to $11. Looking forward to learning what “soft, with hints of chocolate and almond” tastes like, you will be mildly nonplussed when you learn that it tastes exactly like…coffee.
We’ve reached the crucial moment of truth: DO NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES express your disillusionment. Your friend will excitedly watch you take your first sip. “Amazing, right??” they’ll ask, their shining face beaming at you as if you’ve just taken your first steps. Smile, nod excitedly and say “Wow!” Then allow yourself to think longingly of the $1 bodega coffee in your old NYC neighborhood. You could order it" “regular” without feeling like you were trying to seduce the cashier. Not a blend. Not an experience. Just a drink. A drink that also tastes exactly like coffee.
